a birthday to forget

this is 42 / does every birthday have to be 'special'?

I woke up tired and grumpy with a head filled with cotton wool.

A day earlier I had come home from a muddy, rainy weekend festival filled with giggles and playfulness and trying to find respite in dry nooks with friends. A home that I had only moved into 4 days earlier.

My new romantic consort came over for lunch and a long walk on Hampstead Heath in the golden afternoon light of a summer that felt more like autumn. We went to bed, both slept badly and woke up to my birthday.

I wanted it to be a day just for myself.

No expectations. No plans. No pressure.

It was a birthday that felt like every other day except for the inner celebration I was having by being a quiet, grateful witness to my life.

A loving flurry of birthday wishes started to pour in and I received each one with the deepest appreciation, adding to the feeling of being loved and cherished in the world.

I don’t take any of my connections for granted. Every single note and well-wish is significant.

We went to a little roastery nearby and had coffee and cake for breakfast and then returned home.

I had work to do. Some emails to answer. Preparations for a workshop I was teaching live that evening. A couple of hours on Zoom ahead.

Both wired and tired I tried to take a nap to shake some of the sleepiness and restlessness I felt but my body was unwilling to yield. Instead, I focused on my inner stillness, reflected on the year that had passed and completed the tasks and commitments I had on hand.

It is such a privilege to grow older. This past year has been one that taught me exquisite awareness and commitment to self. I know that when I honour my authentic needs and act out of integrity to my truth life is that much sweeter.

The things I need are simple.

I am someone that is resourced from within. I don’t need much from the outside world beyond the bare essentials: food, oxygen, affection, inspiration.

External resources are anything outside of one’s self that provides a sense of calm, support, strength, and capability. Internal resources are anything internal that provides relaxation, pleasure, support, strength, and safety.

What is essential to me is the act of deep listening to my inner self. When my “inside feeling” is good, everything else is good, too.

This birthday has been a quiet, sweet, internal one. A birthday to forget.

Yet ultimately, a day that in all its uniqueness, was perfect.