are you enabling someone you love?
what youβre responsible for. + what NOT
Happy New Year!
Itβs officially 2025, and while some folks are diving headfirst into goal-setting and vision boards, others might just be trying to remember where they left their coffee. Wherever youβre at, itβs perfectly fine. Honouring your own rhythm is a beautiful thing. And while you might not be feeling the "new year, new me" vibes just yet, this could be the perfect time to hit reset on some sneaky habitsβlike enabling.
Itβs been a hot topic in my little corner of the universe lately.
Having grown up in an emotionally unsafe environment, I was no stranger to enabling behaviours, as these dynamics often blur boundaries and foster a pattern of prioritising others' needs, emotions, or dysfunctions over one's own well-being, perpetuating cycles of dependency and unhealthy interactions.
It took me years to unlearn this pattern, a process that involved becoming deeply discerning about what was mine to carry and what wasnβt, and learning to step back, allowing others to take self-responsibility by resisting the urge to react or intervene in their experiences.
I thought, to celebrate the start of this new calendar year, you might like to break free from that pattern too, if it sounds familiar.
Let me show you how!
what is enabling?
Enabling is like being someoneβs personal life jacketβexcept theyβre perfectly capable of swimming, and now youβre both exhausted.
Itβs when you step in to solve someone elseβs problems, fix their mistakes, or shield them from the natural consequences of their actions. At first, it feels helpful (youβre just being a good friend/partner/parent, right?), but over time, it creates a pattern where they lean on you instead of stepping up. Meanwhile, youβre left wondering why youβre so drained and why theyβre not learning to handle their own stuff. Sound familiar?
Enabling can feel like love wrapped in concern, but it often hides a deeper fear: that they might fail or face discomfort. By stepping in, you may inadvertently steal the opportunity for them to grow and build resilience.
Think of it this way: if youβre always the one baking the cake, how will they ever learn to crack an egg?
what youβre responsible for
(aka: The "Handle Your Own Stuff" List)
1. Your health and healing.
Nobody else can drink your green smoothie, book your therapy appointment, or stretch out that lower back. Sure, someone can suggest a healthier routine or offer support, but itβs on you to make the choices that support your well-being. Pro tip: Own it, and celebrate even the smallest steps forward.
2. Your decisions.
Ever agreed to something you didnβt want to do, then fumed about it later? Thatβs on you, my friend. Whether itβs choosing a new career path or deciding not to answer a 10 p.m. text, your decisions are yours to make. The beauty here? Youβre in chargeβeven if you make a mistake, you get to learn from it.
3. Your commitments.
Said youβd do something? Then do it, or renegotiate with honesty. If you promised to help with a project but now realize youβre overwhelmed, itβs your responsibility to speak up. Holding your wordβor adjusting it with integrityβis the backbone of trust.
4. Your relationships.
Every relationship is a two-way street, but youβre responsible for your lane. That means communicating honestly, owning your role in conflicts, and recognising when itβs time to pour in loveβor to step away. It also means not projecting your expectations onto someone else (ouch, I know).
5. Your personal space.
From the clutter in your home to the vibe you create, your environment reflects how you care for yourself. Whether itβs finally tackling that junk drawer or adding a candle that makes your living room feel like a spa, this oneβs all on you. And yes, this includes asking for help when needed.
6. Your personal growth.
Change doesnβt arrive on your doorstep like a surprise Amazon package. If youβre stuck, itβs on you to take the first step. Whether itβs seeking guidance, ending something toxic, or starting that hobby youβve been talking about for years, youβre the one who needs to pull the trigger.
7. Your happiness.
Waiting for someone else to make you happy is like waiting for your cat to clean the litter box. Danger-baby isnβt doing it, and neither is anyone else. The secret? Youβre fully capable of creating joy for yourselfβstart small and watch it grow.
what youβre not responsible for
(aka: The "Put That Down, Itβs Not Yours" List)
1. Someone elseβs healing.
You can offer a supportive hand, share tools, or hold space, but youβre not their healer. Whether itβs a friend processing heartbreak or a sibling stuck in their patterns, their healing journey belongs to them. Trying to take it on will only drain you both.
2. Their decisions.
Ever tried to βfixβ someoneβs choices because you canβt bear to watch them struggle? Let it go. Your advice (when invited) is valuable, but youβre not the director of someone elseβs life. Let them call the shotsβand learn from the consequences.
3. Their happiness.
No matter how much you love someone, you canβt fill the gaps in their joy. Whether itβs a partner, child, or friend, their contentment is their own work. Yours is to love and support them, not to carry the responsibility for their inner world.
4. Their messes (literal or metaphorical).
If they didnβt pay their parking ticket, left dishes in the sink, or caused drama at work, thatβs their mess to clean. If youβre always stepping in to save the day, youβre robbing them of the chance to grow and take ownership of their actions.
5. Their learning process.
Growth is a beautiful, messy thing, and everyoneβs path looks different. Trying to micromanage someoneβs progress (or save them from mistakes) isnβt helpingβitβs holding them back. Trust their ability to figure it outβtheyβll thank you later.
letβs get real: a quick example
Youβve got a friend whoβs always late. Every. Single. Time. You try βhelpingβ by texting reminders, calling them 15 minutes beforehand, or even picking them up. Guess what? Theyβre still late. Youβre exhausted, theyβre still tardy, and now youβre resentful. Why? Because youβre trying to fix something thatβs not yours to fix.
Instead, take a step back. Let them be late. If it means missing the movie previews or skipping the event, so be it. Theyβll either learn the value of punctualityβor not. Either way, itβs not your circus, not your monkeys.
how to tell if youβre enabling
Ask yourself:
Do I feel drained every time I help?
Am I more invested in their success than they are?
Is this something they could reasonably handle themselves?
If the answer is yes, youβre likely enabling.
letting go is the best gift
When you stop enabling, you give others the chance to grow.
You also free up your own energy to focus on what is yours. Imagine how much lighter youβll feel when you stop carrying someone elseβs load.
As we step into 2025, I invite you to honour your energy.
Set boundaries, embrace personal responsibility, and let others do the same.
Guilty ππ