big brains ≠ big hearts

aka: how I became the person I wish I had and needed

but maybe we can make this bumpy ride just a little bit sweeter for each other

I woke up feeling hazy this morning. With the disturbing sense that something was wrong.

After a couple of glasses of cava and white wine paired with the grilled mackerel I had for dinner with a girlfriend and her mother — part of my ongoing Leo-season-long birthday celebrations — I wasn’t sure if it was my bloodstream slightly tainted by alcohol or if it was my intuitive sense.

The feeling started after a back-and-forth voice note conversation I had with Jackson yesterday.

Jackson is a man whom I have a non-sexual physically intimate friendship with: we sleep together wrapped up in each other’s arms but are completely platonic.

He calls me when he wants to go dancing to live music or has girl problems. I call him when I need a pragmatic man's brain for something. Or when I’m bored.

Yesterday we were talking about cars.

This morning it came to me.

I had not paid my road tax for this year. I was driving around illegally. Thank every goddess in charge of bureaucratics that I had not been caught.

I logged into the government website, put in my details and processed the payment in 10 minutes. While I have so much to complain about Britain’s flaws and faults, which are well-summed up here, one thing I will say is that their government systems, while deeply corrupt, are efficient(ish) and work well(ish).

There are some things that I am great at.

Being emotionally attuned. That transcendent apex of connection to spirit — which appears to me most often when I’m writing, listening to people or nature, or teaching — is when I vibrate whole, real and complete in an ecstatic trance. This has given me depth, emotional intelligence and articulation, compassion and artistic expression. Through the power of words, love, connection and presence.

Heart-following is borne into my cells as I chase my longing for freedom against all common sense. A choice I’m not sure always makes me happy but does make me bold and wild.

There are some things I am not great at.

Being sensible and practical. I hide this fact by being organised. But in truth, if I could, I would give up the charade in a millisecond. I run my business on a set of simple automated systems that are reliable and easy to manage. I make it a priority not to pay bills or sign ubiquitous contracts. I prefer to rent privately which includes everything. I pay for things upfront to avoid excess paperwork. I limit commitments to any bureaucratic systems and do my best to exist on the very fringes of society. This suits me.

I am a rebel and a revolutionary with a pretty face and big doe eyes. I figure, in this disguise, I can get away with anything.

I prefer to focus on my strengths.

words from a recent email from a client

That last line “I fumbled to articulate my thoughts” is a common consequence in a world full of people with big brains ≠ big hearts.

When I was in my 20s I sought out help in the form of psychologists and therapists. The empty space that I wanted someone to fill was a place I did not understand. A void I was terrified of being sucked in to never to return. My very first therapist fired me, because I too, did not have the skills to say what I was feeling or what I needed or wanted.

Time after time I would walk out of a room with walls of credentials disappointed that I had not been seen or heard. Not really. Mostly, they projected their ‘knowledge’ and ‘education’ and ‘theories’ on me. Personality tests and assessments told me little about who I was and why I felt so abandoned by a system that didn’t treat humans but categorised cases.

What not one of them was able to tell me was that I was feeling the loss of nurturing and guidance that I needed as a child.

What no one was able to reframe for me was there would always be a part of me that grieves the absent mother and the deceased father which were fundamental to my childhood.

Or that in their absence I was given a gift: the courage to choose freedom and live a life that is entirely my own.

In my pursuit for answers, I met many people with big brains but limited ability for depth and heart-led connection.

I decided to become what I was looking for.

I developed emotional intelligence by slowly learning a somatic system to connect the feelings that flowed through my body with words to articulate them. I learned to stop intellectualising my feelings and allow myself to feel them all the way through, including tearful tantrums in my bedroom and screaming fits of rage in my car in an empty car park. I listened, deeply, to the truths that my heart told me and believed myself even if the truth hurt and was discomforting. I stood up for myself to protect my current adult and younger self from the things I wasn’t protected from when I should have been.

I did all that, and more, for myself.

Then, I started to do it for others.

I educated myself.

BSc Psychology
Reiki Level 1 & 2
Marie Forleo’s BSchool
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)
Healing Through Feminine Archetypes
Compassionate Inquiry with Dr Gabor Maté

I practiced.

On myself and over 200 clients. To develop a system of heart-mind-intuition lead mentoring that would offer a safe space for people to be truly seen and met. In their wholeness and connection to spirit.

Work with me, here.