how I taught myself to make my own life

the unsexy truth about growth, expansion and creating an authentic life in a world that wants us to conform to a set structure

me, in the 80s, being good

I was a good girl for all of my childhood. Not because I was innately good. But because I quavered in the fear of ever-looming punishment from caregivers who were not self-regulated*.

I secretly harboured the desire to run away. I tried, once, when I was 11. I was desperate to grow up so I could make my own decisions. I saw right through the lies the adults told incessantly day in, and day out. I wanted to make my own life.

One day I was 17. I had finished school and left home without real-life skills. My maternal grandmother had spent years teaching me how to be a good girl so that one day I would marry and become a good wife. I could cook and clean and be pleasing.

I had no self-esteem, no idea who I was, what I wanted, or even, what I liked.

Those first few years of ‘adulthood’ were hard. I had no real support network and had to figure everything out on my own.

So I tried lots of things and learned about myself.

I loved dancing, but not drinking. I loved getting lost in nature, but not in cities. I loved drawing and writing, but not team sports. Except for ultimate frisbee which brought out a competitive streak I didn’t know I had. I loved deep conversations, but not small talk. I was ‘bubbly’ to cover my social anxiety. I was a dreamer and a drifter, who had no solid plans or aims or direction.

So I travelled: Australia, Austria, Italy, England.

I worked as a waitress, as a nanny, at an ice cream shop, and in a bar (which I quickly quit because not only do I not like drinking I hate drunk people). I worked as a temp, as a receptionist at a glossy magazine, and as the secretary for a prominent film editor.

Then, on a particularly cold winter day in London, a few months after turning 20 I decided to study psychology in the hottest place I could find. That hot place was a small university in the northern tropics edged by The Great Barrier Reef in Australia in the jungle.

Like many more remote places in Australia, it was backwards unsophisticated and coarse. But I loved it.

I loved that my professors wandered the campus with long, wild hair and no shoes. I loved that they were honest about who they were (hippies) and why they were there (to get funding for their studies and theories). I loved that I lived a few blocks away from the Coral Sea. I loved that the summers were unspeakably hot until the rains came and when the rain did come it poured in buckets. I loved that winter wear was one measly sweater that got pulled out for three weeks per year. I loved that, in our free time, my friends and I chased waterholes and waterfalls and rainforest walks and secret parties in the bush. I loved that this was where I found yoga, magic mushrooms, and EDM**.

Spending so much time connecting to nature, both human nature and the natural world around us, I observed something.

inhale = expansion
exhale = contraction

growth = expansion
introspection = contraction

creativity = expansion
discipline = contraction

life = expansion
death = contraction

Each expansion is coupled with a contraction.

That’s what we’ve got to get comfortable with. That’s the bit we have to embrace. We can’t hold our breath forever. We can’t have expansion without contraction.

During my studies, I learned that the subconscious mind is a goal-serving mechanism. That when you give it direction it will come up with solutions. I decided that, if I did indeed want to make my life like I promised myself as a little girl, I would have to come up with a formula I could follow to create an authentic life in a world that wants us to conform to a set structure.

I believe in human agency and our creative power.

And I also believe in the kismet assertion that parts of our lives are contained by an ecstatic swell of destiny, only accessible by surrender.

How does that work?

~ can we both have direction AND surrender?

~ can we step up AND step back?

The formula that works for me, is seen in the following 4 steps:

1. listen

2. trust

3. follow

4. repeat

by listen, I mean:

• getting SO close to yourself, you can hear your truth

• becoming able to feel the whisper of your heart (contraction and expansion)

by trust, I mean:

• faith - feeling supported by something bigger (reality, universe, god, life)

• selfholding - knowing that whatever happens, you have got yourself

by follow, I mean:

• taking every necessary step to make it happen

• committing to the process, no matter how hard, difficult or painful

by repeat, I mean:

• keep checking in, is it still true? has it changed?

• if it’s still true, continue. if not, change.

This type of surrender is not about sitting back.

It is about active engagement, continuous tuning in, and following the signposts.

Once I figured out my formula I discovered that staying on course with my authentic truth in this world doesn’t come naturally. When we’re bombarded by cynicism and criticism and negativity, it’s not easy to smile and shake it off with a sigh and soften back into my own direction.

It is truly radical to chart your soul’s true path.

New levels of growth, require new levels of approach. So I reached for sturdier support to hold me.

1. decide

Only you can make your life. No accreditation*** or external validation is going to be able to do that for you. It is all down to you. You have to decide. You have to decide what you want. You have to decide that you are worthy of it.

2. be flexible

Realign and experiment as many times as it takes. Sometimes, maybe because you’ve been blindsided by limiting beliefs, you haven’t allowed yourself to go deep within to explore what you’re intuitively capable of. Try again. Go deeper. Ask for more.

3. be bold and daring

Doubts and fears can cripple our ability to act. It takes courage to walk your own path. Courage is cumulative. And it requires releasing your doubts and fears and allowing yourself to attune to positive, high vibrational, creative energy. There are so many methods for that. I personally often reach for applied kinesiology.

4. generational rewiring

Many of the self-concepts we hold are predetermined by generational conditioning. These limit us from living our authentic lives. If I had not devoted myself to rewiring my makeup I’d be an inauthentically unhappy ‘good wife’ right now.

5. loving compassion

No long-lasting change has ever come from force or coercion. The only way through is with tremendous tenderness, warmth and compassion.

6. intuition

We are all energetically unique. To make your own life you need to bypass the rational mind and connect straight to your energy source: the source of all inspiration and intuition. I do this by having self-dates where I simmer in my own energy or as I heard someone call it recently be in vibrational alignment with myself.

7. believe that you are more powerful than you know

It’s all down to you and how you express your energy in a way that is creative and powerful. One of the fastest ways to realign your energy is through the practices of presence and gratitude. There, you enter the quantum field, and everything becomes possible.

8. be discerning

Not everything or everyone is for you. Some people, places and things will uplift and expand you. Others will destroy you. Choose wisely.

Vienda ♥

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*Self-regulation is the ability to manage one's emotions, thoughts, and behaviours effectively in different situations, allowing for more measured responses rather than impulsive reactions.

**Electronic Dance Music

***Accreditation can, however, boost your self-esteem and confidence enough to give you the courage needed to take the steps necessary for creating your life.

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