when the urge to leave... stops

Part journal entry, part example of how I reparent my inner child and regulate a fearful subconcious, part break-up letter, part invitation. It's all in there! 😮‍💨

When a woman ends a relationship, she begins grieving the end of it, long before she leaves it.

Perhaps that is how women do most things. Feel them first. Act on them last.

☾

I am at the tail end of an unusually hushed week for a mid-summer month.

A week swimming with incomplete to-do lists and notes, extended walks in the woods, visits to the farm shops, and long days filled with writing content marketing for the final enrolment of The Mentor Training. In preparation for a week south by the sea in France where I will have fewer chances to make it to my laptop to work. Punctuated by pauses where I took my clothes off and lay naked on the ground to take in sun and soil.

I spent July and August getting to know this land and its people in the way I had always hoped to. I wandered every walking trail I could find. Got lost several times for hours. Was rescued once by a stranger who took pity on me after I roamed three hours in the wrong direction and drove me back home. Went to a couple of local music festivals. Met locals, new and old.

I got to know the community and to understand this place in the world.

It confirmed to me that it is not mine.

Place matters. The vibe and people of a place influence. The wrong place can corrode a life. The right place can enhance and flourish it.

This place is in a different season than mine.

Made up of young families or young people still living with their parents or adults who are well into their elder years. My enchantment with Forest Row has failed to meet me. I’m too young for the oldies and too untethered for the families. I reconcile this through conversations with those who share my current season in life. All of them seek a place that nourishes their spirits elsewhere.

It’s sweet and easy to be here, we agree, but it gives little, and are we starving.

I know home is less a place than a state of being. Home, really, is when the urge to leave... stops

☾

Today, after three weeks of sun and warmth a light rain has settled in. It’s that soft mist familiar only to the UK.

Every sunny day here is so treasured. It does not have the same reliable abundance of summer as other places. Instead, a spartan scarcity of sunlight.

I noticed it in particular two years ago when I was visiting from Mallorca.

A dreary, grey, depression had swept across the country. London, which I had fallen in love with in my 20s for its rebellious joyful expression via a melting pot of music, fashion and culture, had become dulled.

My friends tell me the cause is political and socioeconomic.

When I fell in love with this country it was in arms with the E.U. allowing trading, migration and shared regulations. As a European, this provided me with the freedom to jump borders when and as often as I wanted to. Life here was (mostly) sweet. I made the UK a home base, flowing in and out of the country at will, whenever I needed a soft landing.

After Brexit the gritty underbelly of racism and colonialism rose to the surface, the country became grim.

I have had to commit to a certain number of years (three) within a certain time frame (five) to be able to remain. Even then, there is no certainty.

I think my love affair with the UK has ended.

☾

This part, as much of this article, has been pulled directly from the pages of my journal.

I’ve been grieving it for a while.

I will come back for visits. Or practical reasons. My car and business are both registered here for the time being. But that’s it.

This country and I have reached completion.

We are not compatible despite the love between us.

I am curious to discover what is next for us. Danger-baby, Punto-the-car, and me. My little family of three. Where are we going to end up, I wonder?

My intention for the rest of this year is that it has got to be easy. Sweet and easy. Ease is leading the way, everything else is falling away.

Having written that, I have come to realise that the recurring lower back and hip pains I’ve been experiencing have to do with home and safety.

It started when I left Brighton in 2021 to move to Mallorca — a chronic pain that I rarely shared about which persisted during those 18 months — and then subsided on my return mid-last year. The UK has always symbolised safety. A place I am familiar with. Now that I am aware that this perceived safety is going to change my body is making my unconscious fear known to me with the return of this pain. Pain that I ease each day through mindful movement.

Thank you body. I hear you. I feel you. I acknowledge you.

I have an ongoing yearning for home as a safe external environment in which I can relax and thrive. A big part of choosing where to live is being conscious and clear-eyed about the inevitable tradeoffs. There’s no perfect place. Just a set of trade-offs I'm more willing to make.

I am doing the dance necessary to make manifest any desire:

— showing up to the practicalities in the ways that I can
— holding the vision and vibe high
— trusting and surrendering

Back to the subject of home… from me to me.

Darling body. Thank you so much for communicating with me so clearly. I love you so much and am in awe of you every day.

Darling younger self, inner child and subconscious. I know how easily you feel scared and unsafe due to childhood circumstances. I am so sorry that was your reality. And… I am an adult now. I’ve got you. I will always keep you safe. I have the deep understanding, emotional and intellectual intelligence, and resources to do so. Unlike your caregivers when you were little. I love you. All my choices are centred around your expansion, growth, joy, freedom and well-being. Always.

Place matters. And the yearning and seeking for the ‘right’ place, matter too.

☾

Younger self and shadow work play a big role in my work and my self-growth. They are both included in the methods I use with private clients.

I sometimes am asked to explain shadow work.

It is the beautiful inner work of making the unconscious conscious. The parts of ourselves that we hide: our fears, guilt, shame, anger, secret desires or pleasures, the things we lie about. To fit into society/survive/belong. This kind of inner work enables you to be your authentic self thus increasing your personal power and well-being because you’re not hiding anything.

Work with me 1:1 here.