worthiness — her way circle replay

For us to enjoy our lives, we must believe we are worthy of them. Worthy of care; worthy of influence; worthy of rest; worthy of wealth; worthy of peace; worthy of connection; worthy of pleasure...

Let me begin with a bit of truth, and honestly, I think you know this already because you know me at some level otherwise, you wouldn’t be here… but everything I teach, especially in these monthly her way circles, is on themes that I am navigating. We wouldn’t be here otherwise. Because I am a student of life who is actively choosing to learn and grow and by doing so feel that it is my gift to the world to share what I learn as I learn it. What’s that saying? Students make the best teachers? I’d say so, I’d say that’s true. There is no other time that the information is so fresh and so powerful as when we have just learned it.

And learned means, not just understood on an intellectual level… learned is when it sinks into our cells and bones and becomes embodied wisdom and knowledge.

I don’t know about you, but when I’m in the thick of it, I doubt everything. My values, my choices, my direction, myself.

My worth. My value in the world. What the hell I’m even doing here? Ok, so I like to have my dark dramatic Leo moments! What they do to me is they orient me towards something that needs to be looked at.

So… the past few weeks the topic of worthiness came from and centre for me. As it does, every time I’m about to move into a new level of life and human experience. Like clockwork. So here I am again., looking at the beliefs and conditioning that make me feel small and insignificant and not enough and not worthy and unable to access the things that I want because I must be undeserving of them blah blah blah let’s get out the violins.

And I’ve tried all the things that you probably have tried as well, to help me make peace this this sense of not being worthy without actually looking at the core of it.

I’ve tried the performance thing. Like, maybe if I get the results that my family (and society) consider to be enough then I’ll finally feel like I am enough. I end up oscillating between hyper-performance and numbing out, ultimately going nowhere fast.

I’ve tried the psychoanalysis thing. Like, maybe if I fix everything that is wrong with me then I’ll feel like I am enough. But I’ve never needed fixing. I’ve only ever needed holding. Because as I learn to hold myself, I naturally heal.

I’ve tried the mind over matter thing. Like, maybe if I just declare I am worthy and affirm that every day then I’ll start to believe it. This doesn’t last long because it puts me at war with myself. I have the parts of me that are holding the burden of not feeling like I am enough, and the parts of me that are trying so hard to dissociate and exile the parts that hold that burden. For so many reasons, this is not the way. Primarily because healing and transformation are about integration. Not further fragmentation.

But for us to enjoy our lives, we must believe we are worthy of them.

Worthy of care; worthy of influence; worthy of rest; worthy of wealth; worthy of peace; worthy of connection; worthy of pleasure; worthy of fun.

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Join me for ‘her wealth’ in March!

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The term—unconditional worthiness—has become so popular that it’s easy to forget what it means. It means that the Self determines her worth regardless of the condition.

Let me explain to you how we can lose our sense of unconditional worthiness by using the metaphor of water and a cup.

I want you to close your eyes and just listen for a moment.

Let’s imagine the water is worthiness and the cup is the container that allows you to hold this sense of worthiness.

When you cannot hold your worth, you’ll naturally look to external sources to “fill you up.” So long as other people are signalling to you how great you are, right you are, smart you are, kind you are, impressive you are, interesting you are, you’ll temporarily feel the relief from their stream of water.

But there are two problems. First, if your cup is broken, you’ll always be dependent on other people to fix your condition for you. When other people control your worth, this is invariably an unsafe, triggering way to live.

When a person cannot hold their sense of worthiness, they—at their unconscious core—already know this.

Remember: Your brain is brilliant, and the overwhelming majority of its spectacular work is done outside of your conscious awareness. This is protective because the awareness that “I am only conditionally worthy” can be so painful, so frightening your brain often tucks it away into its unconscious recesses.

This awareness then lies dormant until you get triggered by whatever triggers you, and—at that moment—you clearly feel the painful surge of this lack of worth.

You've been there. We all have.

Because worthiness is fundamental to human well-being, your brain constantly calculates how to get water in your cup. If your brain senses you have a cracked cup, it rightly convinces you to keep hustling for that water.

OK, you can open your eyes now.

But here’s the painful loop where so many get stuck. Even if you are someone who has received tremendous amounts of “water”—things like success, praise, popularity, financial gain, promotions, accolades… you find that those things don’t last and still feel bad. You feel like you haven't done enough, achieved enough, produced enough. In other words, you feel unworthy.

When you are ready to set yourself free, here’s what you do: You hold your worth regardless of the condition.

You say, “I hold my water.”

Instead of saying “I’ll only be ok if… or in other words, I am only worthy of my life if things go the way I think they should” as in, if

• I have x amount of money

• X person loves me

• my kids behave."

• my spouse acts right."

• my parents agree with me."

• they do it my way."

You realise you are creating the conditionality blocking you from your worthiness.

It’s you!

It’s you who lets go of your power by choosing to create conditions in which you decide you only get to be worthy when other people act by the very conditions you created!

Because you’re the creator of this painful “if” condition, you also have the power to create your “no matter what” condition.

This is the condition where you decide: I am worthy no matter what.

• If they don't like my ideas, I'm still creating, no matter what.

• If they ignore me, I'm still showing up no matter what.

• If they disagree with me, I'm still participating no matter what.

• If they don't listen to me, I'm still speaking honestly, no matter what.

• If they don't choose me, I'm still choosing myself no matter what.

And here, when you finally let go of all these self-imposed conditions, you can access the part of you that was there all along: your unconditional worthiness and stunning personal power.

Your worth is not a product of your intelligence, your talent, your looks, or how much you have accomplished.

Though much of who and what we are changes as we journey through life, our inherent worth remains constant. You are born worthy–your worth is intertwined with your very being. The concept of your self-worth is thus reinforced by your actions.

Each time you endeavour to appreciate yourself, treat yourself kindly, define your boundaries, be proactive in seeing that your needs are met, and broaden your horizons, you express your recognition of your innate value.

During those periods when you have lost sight of your worth, you will likely feel mired in depression, insecurity, and a lack of confidence. You’ll pursue a counterfeit worth based on judgment rather than the beauty that resides within. When you feel worthy, however, you will accept yourself without hesitation. It is your worth as an individual who is simultaneously interconnected with all living beings that allow you to be happy, confident, and motivated. Because your conception of your worth is not based on the fulfilment of expectations, you’ll see your mistakes and failures as just another part of life’s journey.

Human beings are very much like drops of water in an endless ocean. Our worth comes from our role as distinct individuals as well as our role as an integral part of something larger than ourselves. Simply awakening to this concept can help you rediscover the copious and awe-inspiring worth within every one of us.

HOMEWORK: Worth is built through action. Making small promises to yourself and keeping them over and over and over again

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I address worth because of how tightly it is wound to the topic of money in the live course I am running across March called ‘her wealth’ so if you’d like to dive deeper into that in a very pragmatic sense, I’d love to invite you to join me.

Additionally, I have a few private mentoring spots opening up to work with me 1:1. Press reply or find out more here.