cadence
On 28 hours in London, a date that was a hard "no", cackling like witches with my chosen sisters, the cadence of life, and 10 business tips from 10 years of working online.
There’s a giant bumble bee the size of my thumbnail trying to push his way through the glass window. Spring is here and the world is rustling with aliveness.
This is my year for love, I decided quietly for myself when last year rolled into this one and now say out loud to anyone I know who might have the right man hidden in the crevices of their social circles.
My cat is curled up in my left arm, meaning I am typing only with my right which feels inefficient but a fair punishment for leaving him while I went to London for 28 hours.
A Hyde Park date set up by a friend. A Mayfair gallery opening of another. A late-night wine and charcuterie dinner in Soho with a third. Followed by a 6-hour wedding dress-shopping extravaganza in Shoreditch the next morning that had us walk away with the most beautiful gown for my friend, the bride.
Sparkling champagne-induced giggling erupted at the gallery opening as I recounted the date that ended after 30 minutes with the excuse that my friends were early and waiting for me.
“I knew within the first minute. It was an immediate no.” I laugh softly
One is tall and French with an almost aloof awkwardness to her slender frame. She is both Amélie, and Anna Karina; muse of director Jean-Luc Godard merged, into one person. Philosophical and smart, beautiful and generous.
The other is idealistic and Australian with a Euro-British twist, often too modest in the brilliance that pours out of her brain and into soft, melodic words expressing some of the murkiest, most aching aspects of life pragmatically.
These two women have become sisters to me over the years in the absence of blood sisters of our own. One little sister and one big sister with myself planted firmly in the middle arms linked on both sides. Both bookish, the first in publishing, the other a poet, writer and mother.
A theme I keep returning to is finding ways to access the rhythmic flow of life. Life’s cadence.
I explore this in popular articles including not ready; let go of control; moving and changing places and within the concept of kismet itself.
The idea is that parts of our lives are contained by an ecstatic swell of destiny, accessible only by relaxing into the unknown.
The people we meet.
The choices we make.
The places we leave, and stay.
All part of this soft pulse, moving us forward, a rise and fall in the rhythm of life.
Logically, none of this makes sense.
Like, the fact that I have chosen to make England my home. A place famous for lacking in some of the things I love the most: sunshine, fresh juicy delicious fruits and warm oceans to swim in. But all my life, since I was 19, there has been a gentle rhythm moving me back ‘home’ over and over again, until I gave in.
I gave in only a few months ago.
I paid attention to the cadence and decided that, despite all the contradictions, this was where I was meant to be. Fortunately, all of my most favourite people live here too so at least that part makes sense.
Or, when I agreed to go on this date. I had no strong feelings about him other than that he looked nice in his WhatsApp photo. Our brief conversations bored me and I made sure to meet him conjunctly with many other commitments.
The moment he walked up we hugged and then he looked at the cafe I had suggested to meet at and could instantly read in his eyes that he thought the cafe was too expensive and posh.
I gently suggested we go for a walk in the park instead.
Walking and talking is a great way to get to know a man because they feel more relaxed. Sitting opposite a man feels confronting to them so side by side and moving is ideal for the species with the fragile ego.
I begin to strike off reasons why he’s a ‘no’.
✘ Is not comfortable in a wide range of environments and situations. I need someone able to navigate all kinds of places and people with charm and ease.
✘ Lacks initiative. He had let me suggest the meeting place and then — uncomfortable on arrival — flopped about like a fish instead of advocating for his preferences.
As we walk he starts to complain about the architecture and the evident wealth in Mayfair.
✘ Clearly, he is financially insecure and a pessimist.
✘ On closer inspection, he needs to floss between his teeth. Gross.
As we walk, he talks and I listen, I think about a gentle way to make my exit. He stops to buy a cup of ginger and lemon tea at a stand in Hyde Park and I take that moment to check my phone and see a flood of messages from the girls I am to meet. He sees the multiple green bubbles pop up on my phone and says “Oh!” serving me the perfect moment to make my excuses.
As we walk in separate directions I smile softly to myself and thank life for the experience.
It offered me a contrast point to bring awareness to my growth as a woman and human in relationship to others. Gone is the people-pleaser that just wanted to be wanted and liked. Gone is the docile woman rushing to comfort and fix someone. Gone is the person looking for a project to work on.
In that moment I was able to witness the rise and fall of various parts of me as I grew into the woman I am today. A cadence at play.
Sometimes a cadence is a pattern. A learned behaviour that we repeat and repeat until we learn and grow out of it. Sometimes it is a dance, disquiet and uncomfortable, stepping on someone else’s toes until you find your feet. Sometimes it is the gentle rhythm of your daily life and work.
It’s wild to me that I have been sustaining myself by working online and sharing my craft, for over a decade now.
Last year I flirted with changing everything, taking a position working for someone else, and then was smartly hit with the reality of what that looked like and what I would have to give up. I flirted with it again briefly a few weeks ago when I was offered a position in a local college but each time, I remember how much I love the things I get to do for ‘work’ and how grateful I am for the overall freedoms this career I have carved out for myself has.
Online business also has a pulse and rhythm. Moments of hard graft, quieter times, ebbs and flows of income. A cadence all of its own.
This work rhythm has taught me the following things in the last 10 years.
1. The 75-word business plan.
Ask yourself, “How can I be helpful?”
Do that.
Then ask, “How much money feels appropriate for my particular flavour of helpfulness?”
Charge that.
Then ask, “What could I make that would be even more helpful?”
Make that.
Then ask, “How can I go completely over the top with my helpfulness, devotion and generosity?”
Give that.
Then ask, “How can I be the best in the world at my flavour of helpfulness?”
Be that.
Borrowed from Alexander Franzen.
2. It is allowed to be fun and easy.
Life, all of life: family, relationships, work, career and business included, does not have to be a hard slog. Yes, sometimes it requires more dedication, learning, energy and time investment than others. Especially at the start. This is true for all things. But there’s always a simpler, more fun, easier way to do everything. That is where your point of difference and leading edge emerges.
3. Want to get booked and sell stuff?
Be really good at what you do. Focus on becoming excellent at your craft, whatever your craft may be.
4. 10 x is easier than 2 x
In other words, dream big and stay focused. It takes the same amount of effort to grow in small incremental steps as it does in large leaps according to the book with the above title in which a behavioural psychologist shows how it’s in your best interest to let your heart and imagination lead with practical steps to follow.
5. Always follow your gut
No matter how shiny the offer is in front of you, if your gut says no trust it. You will thank yourself later.
6. Use the 80/20 rule
20% percent of your efforts are going to give you 80% of your results so find out what those are and streamline. I teach this in Her Biz.
7. Action. Movement. Forward momentum.
Even the smallest step is moving you towards your dream/goal/aim/life/business. Action is the medicine that brings your dreams to life. Not planning. Not thinking about it. Not talking about it. Doing it does. Doing it clumsily, imperfectly and naively. Every little action cracks open the ceiling of what you currently know and widens it until one day you are immersed in an entirely different world of your creation.
8. You have to define success for yourself.
There is no one definition of success just as there is no one definition for happiness. You have to decide what it is for yourself. Mine is a convergence of having the greatest amount of positive impact met with the greatest amount of financial income conjunct with life freedom, space and time. When those three meet, I am existing in my definition of success.
9. There is no rush.
Your definition of success has its own timeline. Your job is to hold the vision for it, keep showing up to it and take action for it. Life’s job is to show you how.
10. You can be scared and still do it.
Most people never begin their business because they fear failure. If you feel scared about “putting yourself out there,” please know that I feel scared, too. And all the people you admire — celebrities, bestselling authors, award-winning business owners, podcasters who release new episodes relentlessly — they all get scared, too. We can be scared and still choose to go on. That’s how we all get there.