not yet

So often doing things that we don’t feel ‘ready’ for can bring up unresolved childhood trauma. So often on the other side of that fear exist the things we want for ourselves.

I’m sitting in Brighton’s Artist Residence looking out at the English Channel, frothy white foam on the tips of waves sparkling between mist and bursts of sun, and hot chocolate to accompany me on this journey of words with you.

The past two weeks have been full in a way I cannot even begin to express and I need to honour this place I find myself.

As Brene Brown wisely says “Share from the scar, not from the wound” and so I am giving myself grace in my writing to you and am answering a question from a reader today.

A few months I wrote about all the things I had done when I was ‘not ready’.

I noticed something interesting…

The best things that have happened to me were the things I did when I wasn’t ready. The things that shook me and tore at me and made me feel the biggest feelings and pushed me and stretched me and scared me and lit a flame of hope in my heart and big dreams in my imagination…

Being ready never arrives.

But that doesn’t mean we chase discomfort as a sign to do what we are supposed to do. Sometimes coming up against our edge implies ‘not yet’.

Challenging ourselves means growth.

Overriding an inner refusal to move forward on something is an opportunity to pay attention. To bring curiosity to the situation.

A reader, in response to ‘not ready’ wrote in.

“This is so inspiring. And at the same time, it makes me wonder… How do you know when to push through resistance and when to listen to the body's no?”

Learning to listen to your body is the most valuable skill you can develop.

Learning to discern the difference between “I am scared but willing to try something new” and “This is activating my nervous system to such a degree that I am going into a parasympathetic stress response” is vital.

It starts by unlearning counterproductive, socially imposed beliefs about self-image, performance, success, productivity, approval, perfectionism, and control.

Each of us contains, within our body and mind, an exquisite and personalised mind-body wisdom. This wisdom becomes more available to us as we recognize that anything we are feeling in our body means something.

It’s so easy to get stuck in your head and tune out essential sensations; but, every butterfly in your stomach, every headache, tight muscle, surge of energy, and flood of emotion is there for a reason, providing gentle encouragement, danger signals, and constant feedback about what you need.

For me, from years of practice, there is a palpable difference between “I am scared to move forward even though this thing is meant for me” and “I am going into flight or freeze around this thing” which stops me in my tracks.

The body’s cues are soft and subtle.

If we come from a background of having our feelings and needs disregarded either for cultural, societal or familial reasons we will have learned that that our feelings aren’t worth listening to. We had to ignore and override our feelings to survive in this world.

Your first step to reclaiming your power is to recognise that it is no longer true for you. What you once adopted as a coping mechanism is no longer serving you. Allowing yourself to feel and trust your body now is part of the healing process.

Fear of the unknown can trigger a primal instinct in us that makes us feel like our very livelihood is at risk. So often doing things that we don’t feel ‘ready’ for can bring up unresolved childhood trauma.

So often on the other side of that fear exist the things we want for ourselves.

The way forward then, is to address the fear and the trauma. To look at what part of you is resisting. For me, it is often a child version of me that did not have her needs met, was not seen or heard, did not feel safe.

I immediately revert to that wounded child when faced with something insurmountable.

“I need to acknowledge, feel and witness my feelings first” is her plea.

In response, I care for her. I meet her needs. I listen and let her know that she is safe. I am sensitive to her feelings. Because she is me.

Then, together we step forward and do things we are ‘not ready’ for. Because I have addressed the resistance which was my inner wounding saying ‘not yet’.